Dealing with "Not being good enough"

Everybody faces the dangerous dilemma of feeling inadequate. It's something not many people manage to escape from and if they don't feel inadequate then most people just feel as if they are too good. (Well most of the time I just want to hit the too good people in the face... but that's not what I'm trying to say.) I grew up very... unprivileged. I really didn't know what was out there because it just wasn't in the cards for me to know. I'm not saying my life was awful because it wasn't and I appreciate everything my parents did for me because I know it's not easy raising six kids on one income. My family wasn't able to go on vacations and I wasn't able to get shiny new things all the time, but what I did get was essentially mocked. The way I dressed, the things I didn't know, or even the fact "What?!? You don't have a cell phone, mp3 player, a laptop, or you're 16 and don't have you licence or a car?!" I'm sorry but no. I only recently received a cell phone and only because my Aunt Beth didn't want me going off to college without a means to get in touch with her. Anyways, point to all this being is I grew up not feeling good enough.
During my junior year, I was nominated to be in YLC, which is a leadership club. It made me so uncomfortable having to dress up business like. Tanya in heels and skirt? Which I was only able to get these clothes thanks to someone from my church. I've been raised by my community all of my life. I have many mothers and I don't know what I would do without each and every one of them. I feel as if I will let everyone down. There's so many people who have invested so much time and money into me and I feel as if I'm not good enough for them to have done that for. I'm not worthy enough. This first year of college, I'm feeling so... almost worthless because there's things I've been lazy about. (Not my school work though.) I used to be the person that just grabbed life by both hands and dived straight on in, but now I'm finding myself scared to reach out.
Ok, so enough with the boo hoo poor me. This is how I'm dealing with this. First, I'm bringing my grades up. (Even though I keep all B+'s minimum). Second, I have to remember who loves me, where I came from , and where I want to go. I refuse to believe that I can't achieve my dreams. I need to remember that there's so many out there who have it worse then me, and nobody would have helped me along if they didn't have faith in me. Thirdly, I need to remember that I'm always good enough for God and he will accept me no matter what. "Through God all things are possible." He got me here and He knows where I need to be and He will make sure I get there and I have faith in that. Fourthly, If I'm not good enough for something, then they sure ain't good enough for me. That is all. I'm not going to my inexperiences get in the way. So what if I wasn't raised with privileges and an allowance? I was raised to work hard for what I have no matter how little it is. I don't expect life to be easy, and I know it's not. It's all a matter of not letting me get myself down thinking I can't accomplish something. If I want something bad enough, I can get it. Simple as that.

Dealing with Anger

    'Blue. Penguin. Tree roo. Paper. Pen. Door.' Ordinary words right? Yea. 'Love. Hugs. Prayer. Smiles. Laughter'. Still ordinary words right? Yea. 'White. Black. Fat. Ugly. Slut. Whore'. Yet again ordinary words right? Yea. Each set of words produce a different feeling, or at least to me they do. I've ran into the problem of how much words can hurt recently. Yes, they are just words, but isn't it horrible how much angry words can have an effect on us? It sucks hardcore when the words are said by someone special to you. You know they really do no mean it because they might be angry but it doesn't hurt any less at the time, and you also tend to never forget it. You may forgive them, and you may move on, but it just sticks with you.
    I'm not sure which emotion I hate worse. Anger or sadness. Sadness is bad but there's always someone there if you're just willing to let them be there. Anger though? Anger tends to cause more damage than good. Everybody has ran into the problem of saying things in the heat of anger that you may or may not mean, or you just mean them at the time but later you're thinking, "No, that's not really how I feel." I would consider myself a passionate individual, and tend to take things overboard way to much. I don't necessarily mean to, but it just happens. I'm a hypocrite, a liar, suffer from jealousy, and I can curse with the best of them. When I get angry, I get freaking angry. I find the best way to deal with anger is to just talk about it really, or destroy things... That's always helpful. I hate being angry and hurting people on purpose with words, and that's what I aim for. If I'm hurting, I'm going to make sure they are too. I have a family that has an awful temper. When we get angry, shit hits the fan. People yelling and cursing. Fists and furniture flying. It's awful, and the words that come out of everyone's mouths? They hurt. Yea, we get along after, but I still remember my sister calling me fat and ugly. She doesn't really think that but it was still said.
     How do we help our anger? How can you prevent from hurting somebody? I write. I write like nobody's business. Blogging, pen and paper, or even texts. I find someway to cool down my anger. Music is good, turn it up loud and rock out. I go and lift weights or box with someone. I also like to cook. I'm not sure where this whole thing was going. I guess the ending message is words hurt. Watch what you say. I guess the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all," comes to play. It's all about learning how to control ourselves. Yea, it feels good to say it now, but I know when I say something mean I feel so guilty. I literally want to crawl in a whole and hide. So watch what you say. I've learned my lesson more then I wanted to lately.

Friendship... The best love and hate relationship.

      "I'm like fungus. Either I grow on you and you like me, or I make you really sick." If you have not seen it yet, this little quote is on almost every bio I have. It's a Tanya original and really describes me, and all my friends who really know me would agree. I'm a very likable person and if I call you a friend, I mean it. Friends are the backbone of my life, without the friendship they provide I would be as solid as..... pudding. The friends that have stuck by the longest would be Kelly, Keshley, Kerry, Colton, Murray, and Lindsey. If I'm upset, these people know right away. Friendship to me is the traits I have with these people. I can talk to them openly and honestly about ANYTHING and they can do the same with me. Friendship is the ability of listening as well as speaking with me. I've run across people that want friendships where it's always them whining about themselves and never let anyone else say one word of their troubles. That is not a true friendship. Friendship is what I have with my friends. I would donate a testicle for them (if I had one). That's serious! In all seriousness, I would do everything in my power to help them if they needed me to, and I would even if they didn't need me to.
    As with all relationships, we have our fights. You can't be emotionally close to someone and not have fights. It's impossible! What is truly awesome about fights with my friends is our ability to talk to each other and get over it. If you can't be honest with your friends then who can you be honest with? If I annoy them, they tell me and we get over it. They forgive me, I forgive them and then we go party. Why am I going on about all of this? I have been hurt recently. I let someone into my bubble this last year, and he's been all over my Facebook, and he started me on blogging. I told him EVERYTHING, because I thought, hey this is the real deal friendship and I know it will last. Well apparently, it wasn't as serious on his end. I grew up in a family (and all my friends are the same) where it is nothing to pick and torment each other by calling names. Hey dork! Hey weirdo! Well what terminated mine and this guy's friendship. I called him a "douchebag." He immediately deleted me from his Facebook, has yet to reply to any texts/messages/IM's. I didn't originally know what was wrong. I was so confused and yes I did shed a tear or two over it. This has really made me take a step back and look at my friendships and relationships with people. How do people manage to trust so many times knowing this stuff happens? I know I will be wiser in the future to who I disclose information to because of this incident. It in all reality was really immature. That's why I have the friends who have been with me for years. Silly stuff like a bad name doesn't hurt what we have. Yea, we all have habits that annoy one another but I still love them anyway. I learned to live with it, and I know they may say something in anger that they don't mean and I will forgive them for it like I know they would forgive me. They can talk to me if I can make them angry! That is a truly valuable trait to have in a friendship. I can trust them with my life! However, I am going to pay closer attention to new friends and specify in the beginning that I am who I am and how I am. Either I grow on you and you like me, or I make you really sick.

Dude! Just chill.

     Out of all the.... 18 years of my life I never thought that I was someone girls could be jealous of. Call it low self-esteem or what you will, but there's other girls who are way prettier than I am so I figured they would never be jealous of me of all people. I've been on a role running into jealous people lately. I went to go see my best friend last night. Now me and Colton have an iffy relationship at best. We've been friends since the third grade, dated once, and kissed a few times before I left for college. We are constantly liking each other at the very wrong times. In his house I am known by his mother as her future daughter-in-law. Is this probable? Who knows? (Although I think him and his current girlfriend will end up marrying. I was always too much for him to handle.) So I was over there last night and apparently it upset his girlfriend. My thoughts were, "You have a great guy who loves you, and he is the most trusting guy I know, why are you doubting him?" Well, she wouldn't accept the simple fact that I'm in love with someone who's frankly just not him and someone who is completely different. I didn't like the fact my being around him made her upset, but I'm so tired of dealing with my guy friend's significant others! I am friends with mostly guys and I'm friends with them to avoid relationships with them. I'm scared of relationships because of many reasons and I don't want hurt again.
     High school through my first semester of college I have been facing jealous/upset girls like this. My reactions upon coming across chicks my guy likes is at least get to know them first, because who knows? They could be your next best friend. Actually, I have a good example of this. One of my closest guy friends who I would not have been able to survive this semester without is Tysonn (you know like Mike Tyson or the chicken company?).  So he has more or less been friends with benefits with this girl for about 5 months now, but I know he's quite serious about this girl *insert little hearts and oohs and ahhs*. I was on Skye about the middle of December and I get a contact invite from this girl. I was like yay I finally get to talk to this chick! At first I was worried she was going to interrogate me because of how close me and Tysonn were and how much we talk, because we talk ALL THE TIME. I think she was a little worried at first and that was the reason behind the invite. Well she messages me and we're talking and no joke, it felt like I was talking to my sister. I felt I could tell her anything and it was surprising because that's not what at all what I was expecting. I'm used to girls hating me because of my friendship with their guys! I just wished more of my guy friend's girls got to know me before hating me! Girls just need to chill sometimes, but us being girls and having hormonal tendencies we tend to fly off the handle sometimes. I've learned to get to know the people my friend's are interested in, but then again I've always been friendly. I don't know. I just get tired of girls not liking me or talking bad about me because of guys. It gets annoying. Maybe I need to find new friends of the same gender? But guys are so much easier to be around! I feel better laying around playing video games than I do shopping anyways. I have learned to chill, and relax! If I have a problem with a girl I either confront it or get over it because jealousy is a petty thing that everybody deals with, but in the end it's how you live with your jealousy that tends to aggravate people.