Dealing with "Not being good enough"

Everybody faces the dangerous dilemma of feeling inadequate. It's something not many people manage to escape from and if they don't feel inadequate then most people just feel as if they are too good. (Well most of the time I just want to hit the too good people in the face... but that's not what I'm trying to say.) I grew up very... unprivileged. I really didn't know what was out there because it just wasn't in the cards for me to know. I'm not saying my life was awful because it wasn't and I appreciate everything my parents did for me because I know it's not easy raising six kids on one income. My family wasn't able to go on vacations and I wasn't able to get shiny new things all the time, but what I did get was essentially mocked. The way I dressed, the things I didn't know, or even the fact "What?!? You don't have a cell phone, mp3 player, a laptop, or you're 16 and don't have you licence or a car?!" I'm sorry but no. I only recently received a cell phone and only because my Aunt Beth didn't want me going off to college without a means to get in touch with her. Anyways, point to all this being is I grew up not feeling good enough.
During my junior year, I was nominated to be in YLC, which is a leadership club. It made me so uncomfortable having to dress up business like. Tanya in heels and skirt? Which I was only able to get these clothes thanks to someone from my church. I've been raised by my community all of my life. I have many mothers and I don't know what I would do without each and every one of them. I feel as if I will let everyone down. There's so many people who have invested so much time and money into me and I feel as if I'm not good enough for them to have done that for. I'm not worthy enough. This first year of college, I'm feeling so... almost worthless because there's things I've been lazy about. (Not my school work though.) I used to be the person that just grabbed life by both hands and dived straight on in, but now I'm finding myself scared to reach out.
Ok, so enough with the boo hoo poor me. This is how I'm dealing with this. First, I'm bringing my grades up. (Even though I keep all B+'s minimum). Second, I have to remember who loves me, where I came from , and where I want to go. I refuse to believe that I can't achieve my dreams. I need to remember that there's so many out there who have it worse then me, and nobody would have helped me along if they didn't have faith in me. Thirdly, I need to remember that I'm always good enough for God and he will accept me no matter what. "Through God all things are possible." He got me here and He knows where I need to be and He will make sure I get there and I have faith in that. Fourthly, If I'm not good enough for something, then they sure ain't good enough for me. That is all. I'm not going to my inexperiences get in the way. So what if I wasn't raised with privileges and an allowance? I was raised to work hard for what I have no matter how little it is. I don't expect life to be easy, and I know it's not. It's all a matter of not letting me get myself down thinking I can't accomplish something. If I want something bad enough, I can get it. Simple as that.

Dealing with Anger

    'Blue. Penguin. Tree roo. Paper. Pen. Door.' Ordinary words right? Yea. 'Love. Hugs. Prayer. Smiles. Laughter'. Still ordinary words right? Yea. 'White. Black. Fat. Ugly. Slut. Whore'. Yet again ordinary words right? Yea. Each set of words produce a different feeling, or at least to me they do. I've ran into the problem of how much words can hurt recently. Yes, they are just words, but isn't it horrible how much angry words can have an effect on us? It sucks hardcore when the words are said by someone special to you. You know they really do no mean it because they might be angry but it doesn't hurt any less at the time, and you also tend to never forget it. You may forgive them, and you may move on, but it just sticks with you.
    I'm not sure which emotion I hate worse. Anger or sadness. Sadness is bad but there's always someone there if you're just willing to let them be there. Anger though? Anger tends to cause more damage than good. Everybody has ran into the problem of saying things in the heat of anger that you may or may not mean, or you just mean them at the time but later you're thinking, "No, that's not really how I feel." I would consider myself a passionate individual, and tend to take things overboard way to much. I don't necessarily mean to, but it just happens. I'm a hypocrite, a liar, suffer from jealousy, and I can curse with the best of them. When I get angry, I get freaking angry. I find the best way to deal with anger is to just talk about it really, or destroy things... That's always helpful. I hate being angry and hurting people on purpose with words, and that's what I aim for. If I'm hurting, I'm going to make sure they are too. I have a family that has an awful temper. When we get angry, shit hits the fan. People yelling and cursing. Fists and furniture flying. It's awful, and the words that come out of everyone's mouths? They hurt. Yea, we get along after, but I still remember my sister calling me fat and ugly. She doesn't really think that but it was still said.
     How do we help our anger? How can you prevent from hurting somebody? I write. I write like nobody's business. Blogging, pen and paper, or even texts. I find someway to cool down my anger. Music is good, turn it up loud and rock out. I go and lift weights or box with someone. I also like to cook. I'm not sure where this whole thing was going. I guess the ending message is words hurt. Watch what you say. I guess the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all," comes to play. It's all about learning how to control ourselves. Yea, it feels good to say it now, but I know when I say something mean I feel so guilty. I literally want to crawl in a whole and hide. So watch what you say. I've learned my lesson more then I wanted to lately.